November 23rd – 24th, 2016

Days 239 – 240: Phuket

For the past several months, we’ve been travelling in some pretty cold countries: Tibet, Nepal, and even Northern India got pretty chilly. We’ve been looking forward to some beach time for a while now, so we were super excited to be heading down to the islands of southern Thailand! We had an early afternoon flight down to Phuket, so our first day was just a travel day. But we had our first experience flying Thai Airways – like everything else in this country it was friendly (their corporate tagline is “Smile” – how appropriate!), hospitable (another lunch? Don’t mind if we do!), clean (their lunch bags were eco-friendly – printed on recycled paper with soy-based ink), and just a tad pricy (we could have saved a few dollars on Air Asia, but you get what you pay for).

Chillin’ like a pair of villins in the (DMK) Bangkok Airport Executive Lounge

A meal on a short flight? It’s like we’re flying in the mid-90s! What a delightful airline

Perfectly adjustable headrest for a mid-flight nap (if only I had a perfectly adjustable husband who would stop taking shit pictures of me when I’m asleep!) –and I love the peppy attitude on the barf bag!

As we descend through the clouds, we see our first glimpse of the karst islands of the Andaman Sea! Too bad the magic is dispelled a bit by the mayhem we encounter when we try to catch a taxi at the Phuket Airport

Unfortunately, the Phuket Airport was undergoing some renovations, which created a complete clusterf*ck for metered taxis trying to pick up passengers. Basically, the taxis couldn’t drive in to pick people up, so individual drivers were walking up one at a time to try and collect people waiting in line. We were #7 in the que, but when #4, #5, and #6 weren’t attentive enough to raise their hands when called, we grabbed their taxi and escaped as quickly as possible.

We had a good 1.5hr drive down the island of Phuket to reach Patong Beach, with a taxi driven by a husband-wife team! They were an adorable little old couple – it was like being chauffeured around by someone’s grandparents. When they found out we were going to Patong, they started to warn us about the infamous “ladyboy strippers” (males who dress in drag) – they absolutely CRACKED UP telling us a story about a male tourist who got “surprised” by what was “down there” in his new girlfriend’s pants! We just smiled as they laughed and laughed and laughed – apparently the idea of homosexuality was still just a very hilarious concept for them.

We arrived in Patong just after dark, so we checked in to our hotel and then wandered out in the streets in search of dinner. As we passed through the Bangla Road walking street toward the beach, we were constantly harassed by promoters trying to get us to visit their “sexy ping pong” shows. Lindsay was skeeved-out, but Igor was…intrigued. He let Lindsay drag him away from the thumping house music and neon lights…for now.

After we check in to our hotel room, we head down to the bar to cash in our “Free Welcome Drink” coupons. Lindsay sees a table tent advertising a BANFI WINE by the glass special and gets really excited for a Centine aperitif, only to find out that our coupons are only valid for a bright-green, non-alcoholic sugary drink. Lindsay takes a tentative sip, wrinkles her nose in disgust, and leaves the vomit-colored cocktail on the table.

Lots of fresh seafood by the beach – I mean REALLY fresh! – those poor lobsters were still wiggling their antennae L

We pick an al fresco spot (with live music!) and order some vegetarian fare – Igor discovers a new favorite Thai dish: pineapple fried rice!

For our full day in Phuket, we had booked an all-day kayak excursion with Sea Canoe. We got picked up in Patong around 8AM and drove a good 1.5hr across the island to the Ao Por Pier, on Phang Nga Bay. This bay is particularly famous for the karst islands that emerge from the warm, turquoise waters. Many of the islands have sea caves and hidden lagoons that are only accessible during low tide – our tour allowed us to explore two of these caves, plus a little extra time for pleasure paddling and swimming.

Day-tripping in Phang Nga Bay

Once we get past the marina traffic jam, the serenity of the bay descends on us as we venture out toward the towering limestone islands

A beautiful day on Phang Nga Bay

We booked a guided, self-paddle kayak tour with Sea Canoe – including a delicious, seafood lunch buffet

Paddling out to a craggy, limestone island

As other kayakers start to disappear into the island’s sea cave, we click on our headlamp and follow them into the dark

Kayaking through sea caves in Thailand

Many of the karst islands have collasped interiors, so the caves lead us into hidden lagoons, surrounded by towering walls of limestone

Fauna of Phuket – Crab-Eating Macaques, a sleeping tree snake, and yellow-tailed Tripod Fish

Once we exit the sea caves, we paddle under some craggy stalactites to reach or boat

Jumping into the crystal-clear water for a refreshing swim

We are having a great time in this beautiful, tropical paradise – we are surrounded by honeymooning couples, who assume we are newlyweds as well (as if – 6 YEARS, BABY!)

After we returned to Patong from our kayak trip, we left the hotel and had a satisfying (if forgettable) Thanksgiving dinner at a cheap Thai restaurant, and then made our way back to the depravity-ridden collection of strip clubs on Bangla Road. Igor had done his homework on the dangers, scams and curiosities of the “sexy ping pong” show and was eager to see it for himself. For the record, THIS WAS ALL HIS IDEA. But, OK, Lindsay was a little curious, too.

Spending Thanksgiving on the sleazy, nightclub strip of Patong Beach

We walked a loop around the go-go clubs, trying to find one that looked…not sketchy (failed). Igor read that you shouldn’t let a promoter take you to a club because then you have to pay more to cover their commission. Unfortunately, after 15min of having huge black dildos wacked on signs in front of us (for the “ass-smacking” shows), and being followed by evening gown-clad blondes (for the Russian cabarets), we finally let a girl escort us to a strip joint where she promised a ping pong show was about to start. WARNING – the rest of this post is going to get graphic.

This place feels like Cancun on Spring Break…expect with LOTS of old white guys hitting on barely-legal Thai girls

Sexy strip shows, X-rated ping-pong, and sequin-covered ladyboys – we have so much to be thankful for…

The club was a tiny bar, with a row of seats and small tables along the left wall facing a small stage with four stripper poles along the right wall (photos were OBIVIOUSLY not allowed). Even though there were plenty of open “front-row” seats bordering the stage, Lindsay insisted on sitting as far away from the “action” as possible. There was no cover charge for the club – we just had to buy at least one ridiculously over-priced drink (each) per hour that we stayed. Igor got a USD$15 beer and Lindsay got a USD$15 can of Sprite (!!!).

The first 15min of the show was pretty boring – each of the four stripper poles had one girl dancing topless. Sure they were fit, and wearing sexy, lacy black panties…but none of them seemed that *into it*. It was as if the girls knew how hot they were and didn’t think they needed to try very hard to get tips. They didn’t even really “strip” on stage – they walked up, immediately pulled off their top, grabbed the pole, and started lazily swaying back and forth to the music. Lindsay was just starting to ask Igor if they could leave, when the four strippers got off stage and a short, stocky woman in her late-30s/early-40s got up and started loudly blowing a party horn, getting everyone’s attention.

She then turned around, bent over, shoved the party horn up her who-ha, and…HONK HONK! Yup – she was queefing into the party horn. She also queefed into some cigarettes (and then gave the cigarettes to some of the gentlemen sitting in the front row to smoke – ew), and queefed into a straw to blow out candles. OH, BUT IT GETS BETTER. I haven’t even gotten to the ping pongs yet! I’m sure you can all guess where she put the little white balls: up her va-gay-gay. She then popped them out, and when they bounced on the stage, she smacked them into the audience with a paddle (so glad we weren’t in the front row).

The “cream of the crop” was when she was tag-teamed by another squat, 40-somehing y/o woman, who waddled out on stage in a tight-fitting teddy – she walked to the middle of the floor, took a nice wide stance, bore down slightly, and pulled something small and dark out of her vagina. It was a mouse. WOMEN TOOK A FUCKING LIVE MOUSE OUT OF HER LADYPARTS. Just to prove it was a live mouse, she then put it on the tables next to the stage and let it run around the drinks of the guys sitting in the front. Not to upstaged, the first queefer got back in front of the audience and quickly pulled a live frog out of her cooter. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.